I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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