why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
