i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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