I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
