I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
