i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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