this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
