How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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