I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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