I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
