listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
