I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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