When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
