Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
