Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
