So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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