she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
