when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
did i walk over a car last night?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
