KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
