I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
