Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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