I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
