I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
