I want to make a zoo with you.
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
