how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
