We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
