I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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