how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
