i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You are the jesus of drinking
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
