I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
