This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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