Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
