Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
