Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
