Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
