picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
