I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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