she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
someone threw a dead crab at me
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
