Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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