maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
