He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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