Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
