Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
