It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
