Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
