OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
