If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
