yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
