fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
