Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
