I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
